i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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