You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
