you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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