y did u give ur computer a hand job?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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