I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
