New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
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You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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