life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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