So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
