You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Randomize