So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
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thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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