Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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