I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize