I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
