i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle