It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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