Kareoke will never be a sober sport
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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