He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
