i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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