So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
