the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
