If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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