Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
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imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
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I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Dicks are not precious.
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