i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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