I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
