I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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