Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
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my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
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Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??