Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
