I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
