i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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