i was rollin on her like bob the builder
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
