New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
