my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store