Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...