I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
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He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
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The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.