dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
