I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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