I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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