My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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