I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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