You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
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The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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