the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
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I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
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Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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