The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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