Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
