These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
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I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
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Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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