I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
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I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
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You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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