Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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