She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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