just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
