my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
