Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
