New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
