I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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