ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I have so many feelings about this burrito
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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